Because the commingling of Christmas and commerce wasn’t quite blatant enough, here are five stock picks for 2015 from some of our most cherished holiday personalities:
You know me. I’m a guy you can trust. A natural leader. That’s why I’m going to give you some advice that might sound a little surprising: Garmin Ltd. (GRMN) . That’s right – the digital navigation system. What? You’re surprised to hear that from a guy who made his name in nasal navigation systems? I see your point, but here’s something you might not know about me: I’m a pragmatist, first and foremost. I see the writing on the wall, and I can see when I’ve been beaten. These days, they’re installing these navigation computers directly into cars, phones, etc. Let’s be honest, there’s only so much a red nose can do – I don’t care how much Christmas magic helps to lead the way.
Hermey the Elf:
Yeah, yeah, I’m an elf, you probably think I’m going to say Mattel Inc. (MAT) , or Nintendo (NTDOY), but by assuming that, you’re actually just showing your own ignorance. First of all – elf is my race, not my chosen profession. That’s a critical distinction. Furthermore, even if I was a toy-making elf, why would I want you to invest in toymakers? Those are our chief competitors at the North Pole! Until Santa finally announces an IPO for North Pole Toys Inc. (HOHO), I don’t have the slightest stake in toy stock trading.
What I do know is dental health – and there has perhaps never been a better time to get in the healthcare game. Stocks like United Health Group (UNH) and Align Health (ALGN) made a splash in 2014, and they show little sign of slowing down in the new year. Since the renewal of trade with Cuba, you can also expect to see the regions sugar stocks start to rise considerably. But please, try not to get too wrapped up in sugar, and if you do, don’t hesitate to schedule a teeth cleaning. Contact my receptionist Prancer for an appointment.
Frosty the Snowman:
Hello! Thank you for asking me my opinion! I can only assume I was consulted due to a dearth of available holiday characters, because I know Jack Frost-squat about trading. What do you expect? I’m out of commission for 9 months out of the year and my brain is literally made of slush. So, although I don’t have many recommendations, I will say this – we can always use more haberdashers, air-conditioning companies and fire hydrant installers, so any of those I would say is a win.
The Three Wise Men:
Look, it’s no secret that commodities took a big hit this past year, but I’m telling you, gold is going to be making a big come back in 2015. As kings from the Middle East, we’ve seen a lot of our royal friends in the region take a huge hit in their crude oil holdings. You know what they say – when times are tough, gold is the answer! So, do it – invest in gold!
Failing that, you could always invest in frankincense and myrrh futures. It’s a growing market, trust us! What are frankincense and myrrh? Okay, you got us. Full disclosure: we’re not really sure what those even are, all we know is that we’ve got a heck of a lot of it, and we’re pretty sure they’re valuable, so why not take the plunge? If things don’t work out, we know this kid who we could talk to about your situation. He might be able to help get you get your life back on track.
Ho, ho, ho! Hello boys and girls! I usually recommend purchasing shares of The Coca-Cola Co. (KO), but after accusations of that my perspective was skewed by pathological narcissism, I will refrain this year. Instead, I’ll just give you the names of some of my favorite companies: Lockheed Martin (LMT) , Raytheon (RTN) , Halliburton (HAL) and Northrup Grumman (NOC) . What? I'm a guy who lives in the most rural spot on Earth who raises livestock while running and wearing red all the time, why is everyone so surprised to learn that I’m a hawkish conservative? Okay, just to be fair, I’ll also say Apple (APPL) , because, take it from someone who knows – those guys know what it takes to run a sweat shop.
*Disclosure: We had originally reported that Baby New Year recommends purchasing Alibaba (BABA), but it turned out that was just baby talk.
This article was originally published Dec. 23, 2014.
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