Following a release of news that the ADP National Employment Survey showed the creation of 189,000 new jobs in March, behind the 225,000 number anticipated by Reuters, ADP Chief Strategy Officer Jan Siegmund admitted that they have no clue how many jobs were created last month, nor any previous month, for that matter.
ADP Comes Clean, Labor Market Numbers Fabricated
Slumping to the podium at a press conference, Siegmund dropped a bombshell on the assemble media by stating “ADP does not now, nor has it ever, had any actual idea how many jobs were created or destroyed in the United States for a given month.”
“We really have no clue how you would even do that,” Siegmund continued. “I guess maybe we would call everyone and ask if they had a job? I’m surprised more people haven’t questioned this.”
When asked where the numbers were coming from, Siegmund revealed that they simply made them up.
“At the end of each month, a bunch of us would get together and ask ‘what number could we put out that would make headlines,’” said Siegmund. “We would sort of scroll through our Facebook pages and see if it seemed like people were doing well or not. Then we would put five numbers on the wall, throw a dart, and whichever one it hit would be the one we put out.”
Labor Department Follows Suit
Soon after ADP’s revelation, US Secretary of Labor Thomas E. Perez called his own press conference, ultimately revealing that the Labor Department’s numbers were also fraudulent.
“Hearing ADP come clean was a huge relief,” Perez stated. “We sort of knew this was all a big game of chicken, but as long as ADP was putting out their ridiculous numbers, we needed to keep going with our own. I’m just so glad one of us finally blinked. I mean, we have a staff of thousands ‘working’ on this thing each month, and it’s all made up.
Perez emphasized that the previous numbers had long been completely fabricated.
“I mean, how did you think we were doing this? Magic? It’s not that easy,” Perez teased. “Basically, I would call around Washington, D.C. and ask people ‘How many jobs do you think were created last month?’ Whatever that means. The craziest part is that I would play it off like I actually knew, and they would believe it. But of course I didn’t know. I was as lost as everyone else.”
Asked how economists might get data in the future, Perez did not express optimism.
“I have no idea,” he said. “We really tried, but there’s millions of people in this country, and most of them have a job. You’d think that would be enough information for people. Maybe if everyone could just email us every day with their employment status? Wait, no, don’t do that. I just realized how many emails that would be. Enough to create a new job, I’d imagine…though that’s just speculation, of course, how would I know how jobs are created? If someone wants to take that on, by all means, go for it. Not us, but someone.”
No comment yet on whether or not another government department is ready to take on this role.
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