A Look at Some of the Best Jokes About Lawyers

Ryan Bhandari |

Lionel_Hutz.jpgIf there’s one thing America has no shortage of, it’s lawyers. There are currently 1.22 million lawyersin the United States, far more than the job market actually needs, and far more than any other country in the world (yes, that’s including China and India). For example, only 65% of law students who graduated in 2011 found a job that actually required them to pass the bar. Less than half of them found jobs in law firms. And the median starting salary for new lawyers in 2012 was only $61,000, not a lot when you consider the six-figure debt incurred by most law students. 

Lawyers clearly serve an important role in society, and not all lawyers are deceitful. But there are enough lawyers desperate enough to sue anyone at any time, so they have earned a less-than-endearing reputation among the rest of us. Hence, the following jokes all have a particular theme to them. See if you can pick up on it...

 

What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

 

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've ever seen."

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

 

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP." Then, he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked. 

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.

Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.

Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP." He felt really guilty about his actions, and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

 

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

 

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

 

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," remarked the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything."

There was a brief pause, and the puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

 

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.

 

Bad Reputation

Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name?

 

A lawyer sent a note to a client:

“Dear Jim, I thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $25.”

 

The lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether he checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

“No,” he said. “I didn’t check the pulse.”

“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.

“No, I did not,” said the doctor.

“So,” said the lawyer. “When you signed the death certificate, you had not taken the proper steps to ensure that he was dead.”

The doctor smiled and then said, “Well let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could be out practicing law

somewhere.”

 

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

Depends how thin you slice them.

 

“Are you a lawyer?”

“Yes.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars for four questions.”

“Isn’t that awfully expensive?”

“Yes, it is. What is your fourth question?”

 

The defendant knew he didn’t have a prayer of beating the murder rap, so he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of manslaughter. The jury was out for

days before they finally returned a verdict of manslaughter. Afterward the defendant asked, “How come it took you so long?”

The juror said, “All the others wanted to acquit.”

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