Before he was a comedy legend, Bob Newhart was an accountant - a fact he's long been fond of bringing up, perhaps because the idea of a person going from being an accountant to an entertainer was, well, something of its own joke.
Let’s face it, although we’re all well aware just how important the work of accountants is, pouring over their quarterly reports to determine which stocks are worth investment, many of us still assume the accountants themselves are incredibly boring.
But to be fair, would we want our accountants any other way? Meticulous record keeping, adding and subtracting is pretty crucial to doing good work, even if the type of person who finds that sort of work attractive probably spends most of their time at parties solidly glued to the wall. So, with all the love we can muster for our number-obsessed friends, here’s a look at some of the best jokes we could find about accountants:
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
A lady goes to see her doctor. After examining her, he says, "I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but you only have six months to live." The lady is very distraught, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" she asks. The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a CPA."
"Will that make me live longer?" she asks, hopefully. "No," says the doctor. "But it will SEEM longer."
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
“It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait...”
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division. He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
What is the definition of "accountant"?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What do you call an accountant with an opinion?
What do accountants do for fun?
Add the telephone book!
An accountant dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. "What sort of accountant were you?" "Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply. "Name?" asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. "Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span." The accountant says, "But I'm only 48 years old." St. Peter looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" asks the accountant.
"Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and, based on the hours you've charged your clients, you must be at least 117 years old!"
Why did the accountant cross the road?
Because she looked in the files and that’s what they did last year.
What's the difference between the male sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knowshe's boring.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes that he doesn't have the charisma to become an undertaker.
Two accountants are in bank together when armed robbers burst in.
“Everyone empty your pockets! Give us your wallets!” They shout out as they begin collecting wallets, purses, and watches.
The first accountant turns and jams something into the hand of the second accountant.
The second accountant asks “What is this?”
“It’s the $50 I owe you,” responds the first accountant.
The accountant couldn’t get to sleep so he started counting sheep.
But then he made a mistake and it took him all night to find it.
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