It’s that time of year. As in years past, Equities.com has managed to lay its hand on a blockbuster document from within the halls of Christmas Inc. (XMAS). The memo that we’ve discovered would seem to indicate that this old organization is working hard to remake itself for a new era.
What follows is written to members of the Christmas Inc. board of directors from Sam, the recently promoted young Elf who’s running their marketing department, and appears to indicate that there’s a power struggle within the organization over the direction things could be taking.
We here at Christmas Inc. have been doing solid work for a great many years. Over time, we have done as much as anyone to bring about Christmas cheer. Our Santa division delivers gifts to children the world over, matching the capacity and execution of any major corporate player.
However, this day and age bring with it a great deal of change. Social media and mobile advertising are remolding how everyone enjoys the holidays, and this organization has been slow to react. It’s time for us to finally step boldly into the 21st century. If we take action now, I genuinely believe we can right previous longs while putting ourselves into position to compete as a sleek, efficient new tech/social media company that’s years ahead of its time and ready to dominate the new sharing economy.
Below, I have detailed a series of proposals that I think will take this company to a grand new place.
Anyone following venture capital news recently is undoubtedly aware that ride sharing apps are extremely hot right now. Lyft just raised $1 billion with a valuation of around $4 billion, and Uber raised $2.1 billion with a valuation at $62.5 billion.
Meanwhile, here we are with the absolute peak in sleigh technology going completely unused 364 days a year. That’s why I’m promoting Slygh, a sleigh sharing app that allows people to hail our reindeer-driven sleigh when it’s not in use here. Just a quick tap of the finger and you can have your own miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer there to whisk you off to your next location. Or, if you don’t like miniature and maybe want something more stylish, with 12 to 16 reindeer, try SlyghRed, our luxury service.
Social media messaging is the wave of the future. That’s why we should work to get into this market ourselves with SnapGift. It’s a new messaging app where you send messages to people all year. Then, via your Facebook (FB), Twitter (TWTR), and Tinder feeds, the app will track whether or not you’ve been naughty or nice over the course of the year.
Finally, on December 25, those people who have been nice enough will receive all of their messages for the year all at once that morning. It’s the hottest new way to chat with your friends.
We need to rethink our approach to our CEO, Santa Claus. We have made a lot with our leader over the years, including a brilliant cross-branding with Coca-Cola (KO). However, the image is becoming increasingly dated, and we need to take a step in a new direction that will resonate more with today’s youth.
So, who is Santa Claus? I see a man with a long, unkempt beard wearing odd, vintage clothing. That’s right, Santa Claus is the ultimate hipster. We can embrace this and offer up a whole range of products that use Santa Claus to target urban millennials in a way we’ve previously had trouble with.
Imagine Santa Brand suits, red velvet vintage styles, on the backs of every resident of Silverlake as they take Slygh to the local bar. There, they’ll drink Santa Brand egg nog with organic, free-trade, gluten-free Santa Brand ice, harvested by hand at the North Pole by our elves, all while enjoying an assortment of Santa Brand organic reindeer cheese.
All told, we could be sitting on a gold mine with Santa Claus, one that we have historically underused.
A New Era for Christmas Inc.
The new Christmas economy is going to be sleeker, more mobile, and more plugged in. All the while, our quaint, small workshop producing hand-crafted goods is an asset we can really leverage as we move into this new era. I’m simply suggesting we use it.
Respectfully Signed,Sam the Elf, Director of Marketing
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